you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher