Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
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I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog