The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
me opening up to someone
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**