me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
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I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I see your IQ test came back negative