For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head