Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
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A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.