How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.