[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
At least he brought enough for everyone
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.