5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick