I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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unbelievably distressed by this ad
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.