Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?