vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
absolute chaos
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.