therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
You Might Also Like
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.