6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question