Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
You Might Also Like
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.