I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
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judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“no gods no masters” = leo
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭