Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation