*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
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I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?