If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
whenever i wake up before my alarm
good work, everybody
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Are you ok, human???
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry