I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.