The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER