You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
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[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?