the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
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As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
An odd boast
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Happy thanksgiving!
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.