When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens