Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE