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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Festive toon…
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?