I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me