when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time