“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Siri: Retweet me.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?