There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Breaking news:
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
the three genders
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?