i don’t miss calls i stare at them
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I didn’t come here to be called names
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed