Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
You Might Also Like
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
He died doing what he loved: being alive