Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
You Might Also Like
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Bond. Trauma bond.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o