Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”