I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
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my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.