Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.