My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
New Tinder profile.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
getting groceries
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo