The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Expect the unexporcupine.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada