Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“How’s your day going?”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.