Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Beards are a privilege, not a right
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
How do horror writers compete with current events?