Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
You Might Also Like
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.