I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Cats are still liquid.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.