Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
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Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.