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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense