“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.