Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Me if I was a dog
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??