Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
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[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.