CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
You Might Also Like
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.