Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it