Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
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It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Living the best life.. 😊
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails